What It Feels Like

(For T.S. Poetry’s February theme: Red. See the T.S. Poetry Facebook page for more contributions!)

Part of it simmers barely beneath
superficial, like a sunburn
just under the skin—

A spiritual neuralgia that
travels with time,
following the nerve paths,

Insisting on outlining the nervous
system’s most sensitive branches—
down the quadriceps or out to the

Niche where the wings would be—and a
prickly tingling signals the brain
to think of the dove that flies away.

I said, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.”
(Psalm 55:6)

Fruitfulness—Guaranteed

I could stand in front of the mirror with arms outstretched, elbows and wrists and all joints bent at fractal-like angles to simulate tree branches, but no mangoes or oranges or bananas hang from my arms. A branch abiding in Christ WILL bear fruit, he said, but this is not the kind of fruit I can slice and artistically arrange on a platter. It’s not fruit I can sink my teeth into or cut up and serve to my children at breakfast.

So, I wonder and I question: Am I fruitful?

A good tree is supposed to bear good fruit. Am I really doing any good during my life on earth? Am I bearing any fruit at all? Then the questions turn into an odd, whining prayer: … ’cause if You’re going to leave me down here, Lord, then you might as well make me fruitful. And if I’m not doing any good here, Lord, then You might as well take me Home (yadda yadda whaa whaa).

It was time for Bible study with my son, so I printed out Matthew 7 and marked it up, as is my habit. Jesus was talking about fruit again:

“So then, you will know them by their fruits.”
(Matthew 7:20)

… and the old questions came nagging back. Am I fruitful? What is the fruit in my life? Am I of any use at all? When my eyes are off Jesus, confusion creeps in, and the meaning of fruitfulness eludes, evades, and becomes vague to my mind that wants all the answers in advance and in detail. What is this fruitfulness? Sure, I can sweep through the Scriptures and figure out something about hundred-fold harvests and love and patience and self-control, but I know that after that study, I will wonder again.

Lord, am I being fruitful for You?

And then, in the very next verse …

“Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.”
(Matthew 7:21)

He who does the will of My Father, Jesus said. You will know them by their fruits. Obedience.

Obedience, all by itself, without regard to any result or consequence, IS fruit. To do God’s will is to ensure fruitfulness. No need to question. No need to wonder.

It would make a great tagline, wouldn’t it?
Obedience. It’s fruitfulness—GUARANTEED.

Father, I do desire to bear fruit for You, and I often don’t know what that looks like in my life. So I thank You for Jesus’ words which give me solid assurance that, at least in obedience, I know I am fruitful. Help me walk by the Holy Spirit, abiding in You and bearing much fruit.

. . . resolves.

(For T.S. Poetry’s January theme: Resolutions (and Relationships). Visit the T.S. Poetry Facebook page for more on Resolutions!)

The notes are most in harmony
when frequencies are multiples
of one another, having common
factors, never having to
abut, and when reduced

to their simplest, their bare
primes coincide and strike complacent
chords in resolution—thirds or fifths,
harmonic intervals sufficient to
elude tension, being safe

at distances where no ache
inspires desire for motion, no
suspended chord requires release,
no syncopation rocks
any boat. That music sits

content without movements.

But when a song makes hands play

adjacent keys, and fingers have
to touch, there comes an expectation

in the conflict; the suspended

chord wants forward
movement, and a beauty

rises from the song that
never quite

Running with Endurance (How Jogging Helped Me Love)

Two days after Christmas, 2009. I fed my belly with too much lumpia, atole, chocolate cake…

I overindulged. Something had to change. That’s when I started running every day.

We live at the top of the hill, so those first days I ran half a block (downhill) and walked half a block (uphill), three times. Three times around the block wasn’t much. Still, each day built on the one before. Eventually I started running all the way to Oak Valley Ranch Park (a whopping quarter-mile—downhill), around the park some, and then back home (walking).

The momentous day I tried running uphill, I think I was “running” as fast as I walk. But I did it and did it the next day, too.

I’ve been running daily for more than two years now, working up from almost-negligible, to three miles a day. I still go slowly, but I go.

Earlier this year, someone close to me had hurt me. I was angry like a mad dog. That Wednesday and Thursday were the most raging days I could remember. I fed my heart with too much bitterness, resentment, near-hatred (or, if I dare to admit, just plain straight-out hatred)…

I overindulged in anger. Something had to change.

When I jog, it’s always a pray-run. As I jogged that angry Wednesday I asked God my standard question that works for any circumstance. It is a standing prayer: “Father, how do You want me to respond?” When I pray like this, I often get no neon sign, no immediate answer.

But this time it was immediate, in big, flashing neon:
Love her.

Impossible, I thought, feeling my upper lip wrinkle. IM-POSS-I-BLE.

Yet I chose to remember God’s works in my past, and the remembering was crucial. Though I felt the opposite inside, I prayed out loud in faith: God, I remember years ago when I thought it was impossible to forgive Daly. But you did the impossible and helped me forgive in that relationship. I believe you can do it again, in this relationship. (I spoke these words with my vocal cords, but inside I thought, yeah, right.)

I turned left, up Centennial Blvd (the steepest part of my running route). God brought to mind the run with endurance verses. I felt my leg muscles pushing off the pavement, steadily, and I realized I no longer consider that steep part difficult. There was a time, though, when I refused even to attempt that route, turning right instead of left because there was no way I could run up that hill.

But one day I tried it, and it was hard. After doing it every time it was not only possible but, beyond that, no longer difficult.

This brought new meaning to the phrase “run with endurance.” If I would try loving her just once, then, as I build up my endurance, repeating loving acts, then rather than seeming impossible, it would actually no longer be difficult. It would eventually become easy (the yoke of Jesus is like that).

In order to “run with endurance,” I first had to … start running.

Run a little now, and a little more tomorrow, and the endurance will keep building. The biblical run with endurance doesn’t happen at the first attempt; it happens over time, when I run over and over. It doesn’t mean I can wake up in the morning and, if I set my jaw firmly enough with a bullet between my teeth, I can finish any race, whether marathon or hundred-meter dash. Endurance is built up, not instant.

The transformative process is always done littly by little, small obediences over and over.
- Jean Fleming

I turned left to do the steep uphill in this relationship. My first act of obedience was to call her on the phone. A little later, I called her again simply to ask, “How are you?” I kept running up the hill, showing her acts of love, because my Father told me to love her.

It occurs to me that, now, I don’t consider this a hard path. Not anymore.

Father, thank you for teaching me how to run with endurance. Get me started in the areas I still haven’t tried the hill. Keep me going in the areas I have.

…and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus…
(Hebrews 12:1-2)

(Linking with Ann Voskamp, who hosts a community of those who share about Love. Click on the Holy Experience badge below to read more posts on Love!)

A Minute Forty-Six

One of my dark days loomed (the kind
of dark that makes time vague
and turns an hour into an age)
when the phone rang—a friend
asking after me, checking in
like a mother who leaves
the night-light on, and I knew,
after we hung up, the dark
was averted. How long
did that phone call last?
I checked the phone log:
under two minutes. So she held
me up, helped me dodge another era
of dark—

and to think
it only took a minute
forty-six.

Father, how could I encourage someone today? Is there a phone call I should make, a note to pen, an email to send? What power could You pour into something in less than two minutes?

If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging.
(Romans 12:8)

(This week Ann Voskamp hosts a community of those who share about The Practice of New Habits. Click on the Holy Experience badge below to read more community posts on New Habits!)

Tracing Grace

(For the villanelle poetry prompt at The High Calling. (My photos for the PhotoPlay are in this set on my flickr account.))

I didn’t think to seek God’s face,
unaware of my need to find
His all-sufficient grace.

Then in a solitary space
I thought I saw a spark, a kind
of light to seek God’s face.

All along He went in steady chase,
pursuing me, revealing to my mind
His all-sufficient grace.

Now in a calm intensity of pace
I walk at times in dimmer light, blind
to any vision but God’s face;

for in the almost-blindess, I can better taste
and savor overwhelming mercies that remind
me of His all-sufficient grace

Looking back (and forward) I can trace
His presence both before and behind.
And looking, I think I see God’s face;
I’m helpless but for His all-sufficient grace.

Ways and Paths

Make me know Thy ways, O LORD;
Teach me Thy paths.
Lead me in Thy truth and teach me,
For Thou art the God of my salvation;
For Thee I wait all the day.
(Psalm 25:4-5)

May you know the eternal joy
of following Jesus.
Merry Christmas!

An Uncanny Combination (by Charles Sharman)

(The following is an excerpt from our Christmas letter describing a typical Sharman day, written by Charles Sharman. (Thanks, Gorgeous!))

It’s 8 p.m., and it’s time to prepare for bed. I read Byron The Two Towers while Derek and Titus shower. “What do you think Treebeard will do?” I ask. When I’m done, Byron begs for a few more pages, and I consent. Who could say no?

Derek and Titus return, and Byron and I head upstairs. I help Byron prepare for his bath while Monica reads White Fang to Derek and Titus. Jim Hall is about to murder Judge Scott, but White Fang jumps on him in the dark.

I get a little contemplative while Byron bathes and Monica reads. The uncanny combination of immense power and love attracts us to characters like Treebeard and White Fang. It’s the stuff for tales. Yet, we find it originates in our Lord, as the Psalmist says:

Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. Who can proclaim the mighty acts of the Lord or fully declare his praise?
(Psalm 106:1-2)

My God can move the mountains; and he channels that power toward us in love: “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests” (Luke 2:14).

****

From the blog owner:

A Blessed and Worshipful Christmas to you!

May you know God’s peace,

and may his favor rest on you.

~Monica

(This week Ann Voskamp hosts a community of those who share about The Advent Practice of Preparation. Our year-round, non-holiday, daily lives are our preparation. Sometimes, in the established pattern of bedtime reading, God teaches us about Himself. Click on the Holy Experience badge below to read more community posts on Preparation!)

(Also linking with Bonnie Gray who encourages us to consider someone in the Christmas story. Because I’m thinking of power and love, and what one would be like without the other, I consider Herod who ordered all the baby boys killed (Matthew 2:7-8,13-18). Herod’s power was without love; God’s power is shown in love. Click on the FaithBarista badge below to read more community posts on Unwrapping Jesus: Which character in the Christmas story is speaking to you?)

How to Sing Christmas Carols

“Glorious, now, behold Him arise!
King and God and Sacrifice!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”

We hear it every Christmas—praises, singing, lifting up His holy name.
WORSHIP.

“O Come let us adore Him,
Christ, the Lord!”

From blended voices in the choir loft, beautiful music reaches every corner of the sanctuary and halls. During Christmas in particular, the celebration seems incomplete without worshipful songs. Bows on string instruments pull their parts, and the orchestra bows together in the genuflection of notes and dynamics and a perfect execution of Handel’s “Messiah.”

In our home, before lighting Advent candles for four Sundays before Christmas, we sing.

As the music multiplies during this holiday, I consider a prophet’s words:

“Then I will purify the speech of all people,
so that everyone can worship the LORD together.”

- Zephaniah 3:9

If our speech is not pure—if we are not living Ephesians 4:29, how can we worship the Lord together?

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

- Ephesians 4:29

We need pure speech for corporate worship.

In all my Christmas worship, with songs coming from our lips, our stereo, our church choir and my own voice, I must consider:

How is my speech?

How do I speak? Would the Lord call it pure?

What is my tone of voice when I tell the children to do their chores? Do I choose good, pure words when I try to disentangle a miscommunication with my husband or a friend? When I hang up the phone after an annoying conversation, what are my words behind the caller’s back? After a worship service, how do I speak with my brothers and sisters in these pews—the same people with whom I sang in unison, “He rules the world with truth and grace” and other God-exalting carols?

Father, as I worship this Christmas, may I also speak with purity, grace, encouragement and every word pleasing to You.

(This week Ann Voskamp hosts a community of those who share about The Advent Practice of Preparation. Click on the Holy Experience badge below to read more community posts on Preparation!)

(Also linking with Bonnie Gray this week. Click on the FaithBarista badge below to read more community posts on Unwrapping Jesus!)

Zzzzzip!

Sometimes I ask
for wisdom
or protection from sin
or greater trustworthiness
and the Lord gives answer:
“Ssshhh!”

A truly wise person uses few words.

Too much talk leads to sin.
Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.

A gossip goes around telling secrets,
but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.

(Proverbs 17:27, 10:19, 11:13)

(Originally posted here.)